Teaching Kids How to Be a Great Friend and Have Great Friends

“In order to get a friend, you have to be a friend. Be ready to be a friend.”

This insightful quote from Maya Angelou highlights a valuable truism: The first step to having meaningful and rewarding friendships requires becoming a good friend and being friendly to others.

With that in mind, what are the best strategies and tips we can share with our kids to help them be a better friend and enjoy healthier friendships? Here are several that can make a real difference:

• Use active listening. Remind your kids of the importance of being a good listener. That means looking at a friend when they’re talking, using caring statements when appropriate to show concern, and using positive body language, such as smiles and head nods.
• Make sure friends know they’re valued and important. How? By not interrupting or one-upping a friend when they’re talking about their experiences. No one should be the center of attention all the time. Friends deserve to have their moment to shine, too. It can’t always be about “me.”
• Focus and be in the present. Encourage your kids to put their phones or other devices away so they won’t be distracted or come off as disinterested in the people around them. Also, it’s important for them to spend offline, face-to-face time with their friends to strengthen and deepen the sense of connection. Time spent together is more rewarding when everyone gives their full attention and stays grounded in the moment.
• Be there during the hard times. It’s not always going to be laughs and celebrations. There will be moments of struggle, disappointment, or even despair. A good friend won’t disappear during the dark times. Instead, they will check in, ask what they can do to help, and then follow through to show they are a true and caring friend.
• Respect uniqueness. A friend should have the freedom and security to be themselves. In healthy friendships and relationships, individuals seek to understand one another. They encourage one another. They lead with empathy rather than judgement, and they respect each person’s journey toward self-discovery and what makes them happy.
• Encourage independence. Developing many friendships and building a wide social circle gives kids more freedom and options. They won’t have to depend on a single person to get all of their social needs met. And kids need to understand that their friends deserve to spend time with other people, too. They can’t expect to be included every time or in everything. A good friend doesn’t guilt others into spending time with them.
• Resolve conflicts peacefully. Misunderstandings and disagreements are going to happen, so it’s important kids know how to talk through arguments in ways that are respectful and honest. For example, using “I” statements rather than “you” statements, such as “I felt mad when you said I wouldn’t make the team,” sound less threatening and can keep conflicts from escalating. It’s especially important for kids to say they’re sorry, too, when in the wrong and then commit to doing better.
• Show respect in word and deed. Emphasize to your kids the importance of the Golden Rule. When they give others the same respect, kindness, and empathy that they would like to receive, then it becomes much easier to build and maintain rewarding friendships!

After sharing these tips and strategies with your kids, have them reflect on their friendships. Ask them to think about each friend and then honestly answer these questions:

After spending time with my friend, do I feel better, happier, and more energized? Or do I feel worse? Am I doubting my self-worth and is my outlook more negative?

If kids have friendships that leave them unfulfilled or unhappy, putting into practice these strategies and tips may keep them from engaging in unhealthy patterns and behaviors that are preventing them from being a good friend and having healthy friendships.

If, however, despite all their kindness, respect, and empathy, they have a friendship that remains one-sided, emotionally draining, or causes much stress and trouble, help them find ways to gently disengage from that friendship.

Remember: Every child deserves friends who value them for the unique and special person they are. It’s the quality of their friendships, more than the quantity, that matters most.